Rez, Reading your post just now made me think OMG. I do understand how you feel, or at least I have felt that why before. Maybe not the extent you have had to deal with what you've experienced, but I too have fallen into that unconscientious automation of instant reaction that its more humiliating as someone tries to probe further.
My heart goes out to you, and I haven't meant to be silent as I've been quite busy. Right now I am at work, but I felt it was important to reach out and say you did the right thing, to reach out to SOMEONE. You reached out to us. DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED or embarassed. What you are feeling is important and you need to be able to deal with it in your own way, at your own pace.
If I may ask, did the doctor seem concerned with you? Or was that part frightening? I must admit, seeing a psychologist last year helped a little, but in the end I had to make some really tough decision and face some scary stuff...though one step at a time.
I think you've made a first HUGE step, and thats addressing your fears. Don't worry, you have NOT lost your dignity. Please feel free to express what you need to. I think you sound very nice and sad for your conflict.
I have to get back to work, so take good care of yourself. Do something for yourself today.
HUGS,
Carol