Hi Rez,
I hope you don't ever stop trying to reach out to others about how your doing with the things that you are confronting. Some days you may feel like reaching out more than other days and I know it's difficult, but I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself.
Personally I've found that getting discouraged about a lack of "progress" or feeling disappointed that something didn't help is unfortunately part of the process when confronting issues. It can be a slow evolution and I have often questioned the validity of even trying to get through the muck, but I know I don't want to stay in the same stage of awareness that I'm in today. I want to be better more than I want to pretend that none of my issues exist.
Some days I look in the mirror and feel like I'm not worth the effort. Those are the days that I have to be compassionate even in the midst of anger and foul thoughts. Those are the days that I have to either reach out when I don't feel like doing it, or honor my need to be in a quiet place and just be alone for awhile. Everyone is different, though, and maybe alone time isn't beneficial for you....learning what helps and what doesn't is all part of the process, too.
It's okay to want to give up - it's okay to be angry - It's okay to want to hide.
But this crap doesn't go away. And when you're ready it will be there waiting to be taken into account. This message board is here to help, and you'll find lots of other avenues that will bring you a sense of peace and progress as you examine your life and decide how you want it to take shape. No one thing will be a fix, and what helps one time may not the next time. I went to several group counseling meeting type things and at first thought it was great, but soon found it to be very depressing and eventually not very helpful. I do believe that talking about my past was a critical step in accepting what happened and moving forward. Even though I can't change the past I can change how I live with it.
I'm humbled by your posts, Rez, and hope you continue to write if you feel the urge. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Please try to take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
hugs to you,
bird