Hi Carol,
I am so sorry to hear about Felicia. I've never owned a pet, but I can imagine how heartbreaking it is to lose one. I'm sending you big hugs and warm thoughts.
Over the last couple of days, I've taken some time to think about your email, Louise's email and Tor's email...and thank you all for the wonderful suggestions...my garden also is grateful for the renewed attentionJ (been trying to keep busy and also out of my head). Carol, like you mentioned, it’s the alone time that’s a killer. Every fibre in me says, get out of the house, go do something. Most days it’s a struggle just to get up, let alone get out.
The one thing I do know, I am a girl in need of a list. So, a couple of weeks ago I decided to write one out of problem areas (in order of importance), thinking ok, well, if one area can be worked out, then maybe the other problem areas will shift over to the not a problem column, you know like a set of dominos. At the top of my list was career. Rightly or wrongly, I know I define myself through my work. And for almost the last two years, it has not been going well. There really are two sides to this, the industry as a whole has suffered, this I know is out of my control. And on the other side of it, I’m hugely to blame for the position I find myself in. I have known what I wanted to do since I was 18- no question. It’s taken many, many years to get where I am today, although not close to that dream, closer. And now, I have to decide if I should let that all go, just walk away. In February I got a call to work in a job title above what I am now- a huge deal. This was the type of position that I had wanted to achieve at the end of a 5-year plan I had made (yet another list) 3.5 years ago. Stunned by the call, I blurted out a yes to the job. After hanging up, I should have been ecstatic, jumping for joy. No, no, I cried, hysterical. Fear and panic so overpowering I had trouble breathing, I wanted to get out of my body so badly (in writing this just now, I thought back to the days my dad and whatever step-mother it was at the time, were fighting. The pure rage I could see/feel in my dad, it was the same type of fear and panic I had then). I started thinking of ways to get out of the job, of how I would inevitable screw it up, how that in turn would tank whatever career I did have. Over and over for the two weeks before the job actually started this is what went through my head. Needless to say, there were a few times when my lack of experience shone brightly, I did do the job, didn’t screw it up and hopefully, left on good terms with the people I worked with. But, that feeling of fear and panic remains so strong. There have been few open jobs since, I apply for each of them, but all the while hoping they didn’t call me back. I don’t know if I can stop those cycle of thoughts, they are so real and true. There is the rejection of not getting the job and the sheer fear of actually getting it! So, then I’m thinking maybe I’m just not cut out for this, maybe my dream is just that. Ok, so what then? I don’t know how to do anything else. I could very well be into serious debt this year, something has to give. I compare myself to my peers, where they are, marriage, kids, etc. At 32, I’m stuck at 16…my dad said to me, you left home, you’re going to fail, and you have live with the consequences. My only choice had been to leave. I’m scared to admit it, but maybe he been right this whole time.
Anyway, these kinds of things have been keeping my brain going 100. Reading this back, do I ever sound like a whiney kid, full of contradictions, do I ever feel stupid.
I am sorry for the vent, just couldn’t stop writing. Now, it’s time for ice cream…Sigh, another thing to add to the list…emotional eating. But right now, that’s certainly not going to stop me.