The first time I posted on this message board I was so nervous I thought I was going to vomit. But in the next few months I kept coming back to the board - sometimes checking it several times throughout the day. It was liberating to post something so personal and "put it out there" - it felt safer than talking face-to-face. The WZMB started a path to healing and did wonders for my sense of well-being.
I had tried to start analyzing my past when I was younger - like when I was in college. I signed up for free counseling sessions, but then never kept the appointment - I was flirting with the demons, giving them a shy hello, then running away. I did that for a long time.
But there was a darkness that was so heavy inside me - so incredibly oppressive. I hated feeling that way and I didn't know what to do about it or what caused it...I was closing in on myself. I had an flash of intuition that said I had to open up - let something else in...but what? Another person? no - way too scary. It had to be something that wouldn't hurt me. So I thought about what had inspired me before things got all messed up and opened myself up to that. For me, it was Nature - simple things like taking a walk, letting the sun rest on my face, smelling flowers, feeling the wind. Slowly I wasn't so closed up anymore - I learned how to trust my senses again. Over the years I met some really great, healthy people and formed friendships that taught me how to connect to others. I could then look at the hurt, and deal with the anger that I was living with for so long. But it all takes time...I hate to say that - I got so sick of hearing that from others who'd been down the same road - but it's true and there's no getting around it. Just be patient and know that there will be hard days and rewarding days. It is hard, but the payoff is so worth it. Baby steps.
If you're thinking of seeing a counselor at school then that's your intuition saying that it's time to move forward with your healing. Try going if you want, see what it's about and know that you don't have to go back if you don't want to. No one has to know that you're going. Your counselor may give you homework - like a book to read or a questionnaire; they'll try to understand why you are there so they can help you and probably ask you to come back for another session to discuss the book or your answers to the questions. Anyone who thinks you are crazy for trying to learn skills to manage your life is likely to be someone who has deep-seated issues so don't be distracted by the judgments you might come across. Just keep your focus the best you can and I promise you that the dark place will no longer threaten to overwhelm you but instead be just another aspect of your complicated and beautiful personality.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing and don't be a stranger around here.
best wishes to you, and gentle HUGS!!!
-bird