Reading this makes me want to answer deeply too. If that is alright. This is what comes up for me. Not to comment on what has been shared here not to say what i like or do not like, but simply to deeply go there myself.
I lightly skipped across this question, like I didn't even think to go deeply into it at all… I think a part of me didn't want to see it. Though that part is saying, yes! lets go there now.
time lines are a bit mixed up for me, it may seem disjointed
mostly because i have massive chunks of memory missing
mostly that is how it's always been and some of it is because I am choosing to focus on the good.
before school started for me there was a lot of moving and confusion. I had a dad, I didn't have a dad. I had a family I didn't have a family.
the things I escaped into where dreams of mary poppins, flying and big musicals.
all i know is that stuff happened I didn't like and when I tried to change them I got hurt.
Love was a dream, there was always a dream of love. As if Love was waiting for me and I would have a promise of love one day every morning… One day Love would be mine. Thats all i had that was close to god then. A promise.
When ever anything seemed to get worse the promise of love would ease me into a numbness, into a forgetfulness that made what I was living livable.
That thread of love, that promise of love kept me alive.
I had all kinds of trouble with school, my life was a fearful thing. It was embedded in fear. Mostly I kept to myself because how could I communicate with so much fear about me?
It helped me to desensitize to fear. The things I feared where not the things normal people feared. And that kinda helped me to hide and be invisible mostly.
I learned to escape into books and pour myself into poetry. It helped as i waited for Love.
I think reading and crystals all pointed me in the directions of the feelings of love. But it was Rieki that really shifted me into a new thought mode of Love. I did Rieki with my mum. We have walked and shared our journeys together and apart as time has gone on.
I was out of school and working as a check out chick and doing a bit of tertiary study. I was fresh from allowing my virginity to be taken like it was some kind of game trophy for some kind of hunter of virginity. I went down into a deep space of insanity.
It seeped into every part of my life and the darkness consumed me totally. I slipped in and out of lucid hallucinations of things that are unbecoming and undone.
For some reason I wanted to understand my missing memories. I used to look at photos often as a way to just remember things. Photos where no longer something I had access to, so the emptiness filled me and I had learn to let the photos go. Let the memories and the missing memories go. Rieki did this for me.
Rieki filled the emptiness in me. I had a big reaction to Rieki with a meditation that I have finally understood. Just now. I faced the lion that roared at me with no emotion. I faced the lion as it scratched my face, three tares from forehead to chin, right to left, with no emotion. The scars of the scratch where cool and did not frighten me.
I have the strength to face lion. I have the strength to wear the three scars. I will be strong as I am.
Louise Hay helped me to better understand the Rieki, thought I didn't want to understand the Rieki I just wanted to trust it. I wanted something to trust.
I thought I was following my intuition when I allowed my husband to be into my heart and my life. Following my guidance. I trusted it wholly. He was the one. I was the blind.
that worked for the time it needed to work and then it came undone too. It had to. We both build our own escape worlds and they never overlapped once.
My mothers mother died when she was 15. My mum gave me her engagement ring when I was a teenager. I used to talk to my grandmother all the time. She was a guide to me that i had difficulty hearing.
I used her ring to become married. Maybe I would never have been married without it. Her ring was stolen from me (so i thought once), while going through all the mess of thrown clothing and knowing that all my jewelery was gone with some other things as well. Cleaning up after the intruder was devastating. This person had touched this and that and I never want to touch those things again. When i picked up some clothing and something dropped to the floor I was surprised, I was hopeful… please grandma please be you.
When it was her i literally broke down and cried. God did love me, I was still in the grace of the universe. Grandma, thank you for falling and thank you idiot burglar for making such a mess you didn't find her. You didn't take her away from me.
I had a break down during my marriage after an abortion and after some unpleasantness in the bedroom. I had blocked it out, being that I know how to live with the unlivable it was a surprise that I broke down and my recovery had nothing to do with the whys of it and everything to do with my thinking into new spaces.
I thought myself into giving and receiving and into gratitude. I did an NLP practitioner course that really sealed the ending of my marriage, along with another child. New thinking, new ways of escaping new ways of direct communication to the unconscious mind. New ways of BEing me.
I was distance healing with friends on the internet and I was doing mediation classes. I connecting to my higherself and wisdom. This of cause was the ending of my illusions about myself and the ending of the illusions others had of me.
The more I became myself, the more I isolated my marriage. It conflicted and tortured me to go through it. I had no idea, I was blind. I thought I finally had that promise of Love I always dreamed about. Even though it wasn't as loving as I remembered it in the dreams, it came with thorns. It came with conditions. I was blind. I was numb. I only saw roses.
Windows of it came and went. I swam in their memory. I prayed for the moments to come.
I was so blind he really had to hurt me badly for me to get it. It was undeniable. It was not livable.
I learned I deserved better. The universe sang hollaula.
It didn't feel better though. I wanted to die again. and that promise of love come back. That promise was undeniable because I already had it with my girls. That was a start. That was when i learned to love me.
I lost everything I thought and I found me. I am still finding me. I love finding me.
I am knowing where i begin and where I end. What I receive and what I give. I am defining me, allowing me, accepting me. Permitting me to BE.
My marriage taught me about me, about forgiveness and about that promise of Love… it was always inside me. it is my Love for ME.