I am going to share the darkest part of me now. these words that come are needed to surface. I don't know what will happen, if anything? All I know is that I am so scared. I am crying and I am afraid. I don't want to look closely at that black hole in me. I don't want to see it defined or know it's name. My body knew this was coming. I have 'flu' like symptoms. I am home sick from work. The 999 gate is opening. And my part of this clearing out is to share this darkness.
Sometimes the blackest nightmares are the ones that haunt us. The ones that aren't even ours. This darkness in me is the only memory I have as a child. The only think that I kept from birth. It has taken every sunshine moment of my childhood and stolen it away. So when I reach for normal memories, this darkness this falseness permeates my soul and leaches what ever goodness I could have attached myself too.
Hysterical with tears I stop a moment and re read this. The writer in me looks closer now. The -I- character that I am is fascinating my muse self. Questions are storming my curiosity and I detach a little emotion from the words. What have I been carrying all these years? What is this nightmare? How harsh have I been to myself? Not once realising the burden on my soul until now...
This darkness is not me. But I have been carrying it all my life. A burden that I thought defined who I was. I was angry. I was broody. moody. judgmental. depressed insane. That was inside me.
The me that held the darkness like a treasure, the only childhood thing god left me. Angry that I didn't deserve happier thoughts. Scrambling for a chance to redeem myself, so god could let me have happy memories.
I didn't know, until writing this. Through the tears of writing this and the peace that consumes me now... that I choose to hold this darkness.
And god has reached through to me finally and I can let this darkness return to love... I can love this darkness now.
When I was very little I didn't know that the darkness wasn't part of me. Didn't define me. But I didn't like the darkness and how it crept into my body and made me think and feel things I didn't want to think and feel.
I would be holding my sisters or brother as babies. Playing and then their ear would be close to my mouth and nose and I could smell a smell and feel their soft skin just so and their ears would make my mouth water and their blood would call the darkness the nightmare into my mind.
The memories of the bloodmagic. The screams of babies. The metallic taste of blood and an over powering desire and burning flame to eat and suck and kill...
I think I would go white and run away from them. terrified by this nightmare. Disgusted by what it felt like to kill and eat babies.
Ashamed of it. even now. to write it. shocked horrified to even remember the clarity of this childhood me that had no happy memories but a haunting suspicion that she was evil and the evil was going to over power her and do something terrible to her siblings.
That child self learned simply to forget. Forgetting the darkness, meant forgetting everything. Even the reason why she hated and angered.
As I grew older, it was all darkness. Nothing defined. It felt like a missing arm. My missing memories. A gaping nothing that stood out for everyone to see.
I still felt an attraction to children. Babysitting and learning about development. I think I thought that learning all I could about how children normally behave and grow, that I could figure out what went wrong with my own memories and childhood.
Soon I learned to just let the conflict about my missing memories go. Just accept that I had a darkness in the place where normal people had their childhood.
It made me scared that i had something terrible happen to me as a child. And I soon just realised that there was no point in worrying about nothing. Because that's what the darkness was. I let it become nothing. a void.
I began over. I let myself walk a spiritual path. Some instinct in me was still concerned about being too evil to go to church. So I kept to the stuff of 'crystal shops'.
I began to 'hear' 'see' and 'feel' beyond what was apparently 'real'. This only concerned me slightly because on the whole I was becoming less aggravated and conflicted and afraid. I was finding a peace in my heart.
Some memories came back to me. The nightmare was one of the them. I was old enough to realise that it wasn't a 'me' thing. It was something to do with my ancestry, my blood. A cellular memory that haunted my lifetime. I still didn't know what it meant. I still felt ashamed and wanted so much to be better and do better...
The darkness of that memory was my motivation to learn and be a better person.