Compassionate Detachment___2763
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Soul Solutions Healing Group (SSG) Team BlogCompassionate Detachment
by Todd Schaefer Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:00 AM CDT Doesn't loving someone compassionately mean that we love them very
closely? Sure it does! An old saying tells us that two people who are
close friends or lovers are "attached at the hip." So why would we
want to detach from them at all? Wouldn't we want to stay close to the
people that we love the most? A whole new meaning evolves once we
combine the seemingly contradictory words "compassion" and "detachment." Before we can talk about why we might detach from someone, let's talk
about what happens when we are attached to someone. Let's say that you
and I are having an argument. Looking at this argument from an
energetic perspective, you might say that both of us are projecting
energy. We are projecting energy as words, and energy as feelings. My
words are made up of vibrations - of energy. I am not only
communicating energy as words, I am also sharing my beliefs, thought
processes, attitudes, pains and suffering from my past, judgments,
expectations and more. All of these things about me are projected from
my being when I speak to you. In the course of an argument, it can be
easy to see these things occurring if we can tune into them. We use
the example of an argument because it is an example of when energy is
clashing between two people, and we can feel this energy strongly.
After observing some of these dynamics, you might say that, during an
argument, we are energetically attached. If we are energetically attached, how do we detach then? The first
thing we can examine that can help us is to remember to not take
offense while in an argument. Given, it can be challenging to not be
offended during an argument. But that doesn't mean we can't learn how
to do it! When we take offense, we are reacting to what someone says.
But who are we truly reacting to? The answer is our own self. The one
we are arguing with merely serves as a catalyst to our own energy.
During the course of our day, we see many arguments on television, in
the work place and more. But we are obviously not involved. We are
merely the observers. It's easy to remain detached when we are not
involved. Yet, we can still be energetically detached while we are
involved! If we keep in mind that what people say to us comes from
them - their attitudes, beliefs and especially their expectations - we
can realize that what they say really has little to do with us. How
well could you detach while in an argument if you knew that the one
arguing with you was only really saying something about himself? Even
if what he says is about you, it is still coming from him. It is his
creation. His interpretation of you. And that is not who you are. Whether it is our own energy or another’s energy, if we attach to what
is happening, we operate within ourselves from diminished levels of
clarity. When we are not clear, we have an energetic blockage.
Blockages are denser energies like anger and fear. When we have that
blockage, the flow of energy within us inhibits our ability to clearly
see the outside world. The less that we deal with ourselves, the more
we begin to see things clearly. We begin to perceive without judgment
and without expectation. It is then that we begin seeing "all that is"
more clearly because we are no longer only seeing what we are projecting. We become confused sometimes because we forget the difference between
when we are projecting energy and when we are perceiving the energy of
what is actually happening outside of us. We see through our own
subjective lens so often, we sometimes forget that there is a world
beyond the way that we interpret it. For example, if I carry many
pains around with me and constantly project an image of pain about
myself, how often am I truly interacting with the world outside of me?
Not very often, I would say. Instead of interacting with the new
energy in the world, I am inhibited by my blocked, inner flow of
energy. If that happens, I will create opportunities to unblock that
flow. Those opportunities will likely manifest into our experience as
obstacles and challenges. Compassionately Detaching From Expectations Interestingly enough, when we are detached and no longer are
projecting our own expectations about the world or the people in it,
will we feel the same way about the world? Perhaps there is something
more to the world beyond our current understanding, and that we are
the only force stopping ourselves from seeing more of it? To go beyond
our own selves permits us to see things much more clearly. One of the
most important gifts we give ourselves is the opportunity to see
clearly who we are, and we achieve this through awareness. When I see myself clearly, I can then see you clearly. If I do not see
myself clearly, I cannot see you clearly. If I get upset with you, I
was upset within myself first. (You did not create the upset - I did,
remember?) My expectation of how you should respond to me is not the
same as yours. Therefore, you are emotionally detached from my
expectation. If I release my expectation (or attachment) that you
should respond to me in a certain way, I am no longer giving you the
power to “push my buttons.” You don't need to see clearly my
expectations. I only need to see clearly the energy inside of myself
in order to see you clearly. This is the energy that I can nurture.
Nurturing that energy that is on the inside of me is an act of self
love. I have total self love when I am not controlled emotionally by
the world that does not meet my expectations or judgments. I am then
free and detached to love it for what it is. Let's say we've released all of our expectations and have detached
from the world around us. We still love the world and the people in
it. However, we are no longer subject to its influence. We are now at
the point where we can love the world without allowing its drama to
become our drama. We can now compassionately detach from family and
friends. This allows us to love those around us without enabling their
dramas. This is compassionately detaching. Compassionately Detaching From People Many of us come together in order to support each other in our lives
(let's call our lives our "stories" because we create them). However,
we sometimes enable others' stories if we become emotionally sucked
in/attached/victimized. Essentially, this allows those we are trying
to help to stay stuck where they are, because we have joined them in
their story! Enabling someone's story does not always help them grow.
We no longer empower another person's growth when we allow them to
make us part of their story. We cannot help another person's pain if
we become the victim as well. This is the difference between sympathy
and empathy (or compassion). Sympathy feels what the victim feels.
With sympathy, what happens to one person happens to the other.
Sympathy does not know how to detach from people. However, true
compassion feels love and does not attach to the victim's emotions
(and story). There is another story about a boy who traveled in his hot air
balloon. He came across a meadow where he saw another boy on a farm
who had fallen in the mud and was stuck. The boy in the balloon was
happy he could help and went to the stuck boy and threw down a rope.
The stuck boy began climbing up the rope. Although he was climbing the
rope, his weight was too much for the balloon and the balloon began to
descend. The boy in the balloon called out that to the stuck boy that
his weight was too much and that he should let go. The boy climbing
(who was going nowhere except pulling the balloon down to the ground)
did not respond. Eventually, the two boys and the hot air balloon were
stuck in the mud. The boy in the mud was too busy living out his own story to see that
he was pulling another person into it. He may have wanted to get out
of the mud, but he did not have the awareness to know that he was
hurting someone else, too. Many times, those around us who need help
are not in a position of awareness where they can acknowledge the love
that we are giving to them. A person who is ready for more awareness
and self-love will feel it, and will make the climb up the rope with
you, acknowledging the successes that you both make along the way with
awareness. It is a side by side nurturing process, where the one being
helped grows in his awareness, as well as the person who serves grows.
On the other hand, if a person is only looking for a temporary escape,
or simply a freedom from an addiction, they are likely to be unaware,
and unknowingly or even recklessly pull you into their drama. There is a difference between enabling a person's story versus
empowering their growth. If we compassionately detach from someone's
story, we are free from becoming stuck or pulled into it. We are free
to give them the level of love that they require to leave their story,
if they choose. By not allowing them to subject you to their story,
you are empowering them to leave it. You can do this no matter where
they are or wish to go. If they still value you, they will construct a
lifeline to you which is based in truth and awareness (and detached
from their story). Truth is universal. It is the bridge that we give
to one another when we create a connection that is deeper and more
truthful than our usual story. If you can create a connection together
which promotes the person’s growth without attaching to their story,
it will be based in truth. They may still have the story or drama, but
it will no longer be a part of your new relationship with them. If
they do not value you more than the story, they will find someone else
who will listen to and enable their story. This is not only called
compassionate detachment, it is also an act of tremendous self-love
and self respect on your part. You have the wisdom to know when
helping someone does not help you. Your radiance of self-love, by
example, will teach them how to radiate more self-love to themselves
and promote detachment from their own story. We have created our stories in order to learn from them. However, in
the new energy, many of the creations or dramas that we had created
long ago and carried with us we no longer need. So how do we re-create
our new story and let go of the old one? We know that we no longer
need to create pain in order to grow, and we also know that we don't
have to project that pain onto others. If we are in pain, unless the
one we are "arguing" with can come from a deeper place of self-love
and awareness than us, it is likely that they too will get caught up
in our drama. In order receive help, we need to begin compassionately
detaching from our own pain. Compassionately Detaching from Pain Often at an unconscious level, many of us believe that we must
re-create the scenarios where we found our pain in order to heal it.
You know people who bring their pain with them every time you see
them. You must tip toe around them in order to not activate their
pain. What many of us do not realize is that the pain continually
resurfaces in our awareness because it wants to be released. Although pain is our creation, it is not who we are, as individuals.
Pain was not meant to be a possession, although many of us have
created it as a possession, allowing for continual expression of the
gifts pain brings. Pain, being a creative energy, can be a great
source of inspiration and creativity. Yet, many people fall into the
trap of believing that “they are their pain” rather than they only
“experience the pain.” We see the pains as aspects of ourselves,
pieces of who we are. "I am me because of the hardships I have
endured," for example. Although the hardships we created may have
assisted while enduring them, we are still not the hardships
themselves. If we associate our hardships as our strength or identity,
we perpetuate the illusion of the hardship, and we attract more
hardships into our experience. We say that we want to move past it on
some days, but we still identify with what has happened to us so
heavily that we call it "who we are," or “a big part of us.” At this
point, we do not yet understand that letting go of the pain increases
self-love more than the feeling of strength we say we get from
carrying it with us. This is what perpetuates a story, even if we
sometimes say we want to leave it. We need to become aware of what is
involved in order to leave it. Letting pain go is as simple as letting it go. You can decide to do
this. You can snap your fingers, and say outloud, "I now let this pain
go with love," and you will begin to see changes inside of you.
Nevertheless, many people let it go like casting out a fishing reel.
They cast it out in an expression and feel good about it. But then
they choose to reel the pain energy back in again. So, they do not
give it true permission to leave. Pain can be a powerful companion
because it makes us feel alive in our experience of it, but it will
always be a temporary expression - a recycled energy which we use
again and again. But using pain over and over again never truly allows
us to reach deeper levels of self-love and awareness. Truly letting go
has much longer term gifts. It allows for new energy to come in, new
aspects of the divine human to come in, and more awareness of who we
really are. As mentioned earlier, people identify with their pains, and often,
feel fear of losing themselves when confronted with letting go of
their pain. Pain, being a form of fear, often clouds what lies beyond
it. Fear is learned, and there is no fear beyond pain. There is only
an increased love of self, patiently waiting to be embraced by us. Our
self-love will even help us let the pain go when we choose. When we
love any fear, we are transmuting the energy that we project out from
us. When we love it, we let it go. This allows for a clearer vision of
how we see ourselves. Letting any old (fear-based) aspect of self go
only reveals love. So, who are we? We are love in motion - energy
expressed. And the love of self is exactly what we encounter when we
release what we thought we were! With more awareness and self-love, we not only begin detaching from
the pain of others (or the stories/dramas of others), but we begin to
discover that detaching from the pain in others also promotes
detaching from the pain in ourselves. By helping others through
compassionate detachment, we therefore gain a sense of what it means
to compassionately detach from the older aspects of ourselves. When we
learn how to better love one another, we learn to better love
ourselves. And the better we love ourselves, the better we can love
others. In essence, there really is no difference, because we are all one. ©2005 T. Schaefer
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